Kvetch » Horror Stories » She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors
| She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #57299] |
Tue, 30 December 2003 15:39  |
 lawn phoenicopterus
Messages: 1534
Registered: October 2003
Location: OR |
Member |
|
|
What horrible one-liners (or short horror stories) have you heard come out of people's mouths?
[Updated on: Tue, 27 March 2007 14:54]
If 'elitist' just means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I'll be an elitist!
--Get Your War On
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #57312] |
Tue, 30 December 2003 16:42  |
Yaz from Stumptown
Messages: 3122
Registered: July 2003
|
Member |
|
|
I liked the one uttered by my status-focused uncle...
During the dinner after our wedding, he looks at my ring, and tell me that it's very beautiful, what nice diamonds, blah, blah, blah, etc. Upon hearing that it's moissanite, not diamond, he decides it's not so special after all, but consoles me by saying, "Well, it's nice enough anyway..." in this really dismissive tone. Which I'm sure he instantly regretted because it earned him an immediate mini-lecture on why moissanite is a good alternative to blood-diamonds. 
~ Yaz
|
|
| | |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #57392] |
Wed, 31 December 2003 07:22 |
Winter
Messages: 3721
Registered: June 2003
|
Member |
|
|
LOL, yeah, I remember that Yellowbird. At my cousin's wedding, the priest, the bride, and the groom all had microphones put on them (the little kind). Well, the groom had to use the bathroom before the ceremony. You guessed it. He forgot he was wired. All the guests got to hear CousinGroom peeing over the sound system.
Back off...we don't know each other that well. -Bumper sticker on the car of my 80-something year old neighbor
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #57488] |
Wed, 31 December 2003 13:16 |
|
When one of my best friends, we'll call her K., got engaged, the ring wasn't ready yet (it was being designed by a friend of her fiancee's and had taken a bit longer than he anticipated, so he proposed without it). And one of K's (and my) now-ex-friends, B., said: "Oh, well if you don't have a ring, you're not really engaged you know."
The ring itself was silver with a center sapphire and small flanking diamonds. It was a lovely ring, and as we all know there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not having a traditional diamond center stone. The groom-to-be didn't have a lot of money and bought what he could afford. But B. clearly didn't think that was acceptable. When K. showed us the ring, B. said, in front of a whole group of people: "That's not a real engagement ring because it's not a diamond!"
I think my jaw must have dropped to the floor. Needless to say, neither K. or I have spoken to B. much since then.
JudyK
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #57499] |
Wed, 31 December 2003 13:43 |
 |
karint
Messages: 23
Registered: July 2003
Location: Cleveland, OH |
Member |
|
|
When Mr. karint's 20-year-old niece got married last year, everyone in her family thought her FH wasn't good enough for her. Even the groom's mother(!) said to her, before the procession started, "You know, you don't have to go through with this--you can back out now and no one will think less of you."
www.karint.com
|
|
| | | |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #58159] |
Sun, 04 January 2004 04:34 |
ashariel
Messages: 1068
Registered: July 2003
Location: Palo Alto, CA |
Member |
|
|
I went to a wedding a couple years ago, and during the benediction, the minister prayed that god would "smite down [the couple's] enemies", mixed right in there with "pour out blessings on [the couple]" and what-not. 
ashariel, mistress of the gravy boat
|
|
| | | |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #58496] |
Mon, 05 January 2004 14:14 |
Blimunda
Messages: 330
Registered: July 2003
Location: Pennsylvania |
Member |
|
|
When I arrived for the wedding rehearsal, I wore a beautiful black dress. I walk in the room, and it goes quiet. About 30 people, including my reverand, were standing there.
My evil Mother In Law says, "WHAT, ARE YOU IN MOURNING?"
I elected to say nothing on the theory that nothing I could say would really have helped. At least everyone could see what type of person she is. Every cloud has a silver lining....
My Blog: http://www.xanga.com/Ceeej
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #58528] |
Mon, 05 January 2004 15:17 |
red
Messages: 1749
Registered: June 2003
Location: NYC |
Member |
|
|
ooh, i have one.
the night before the wedding we had a picnic instead of a rehearsal dinner. my grandfather comes over to the table where my FILs are sitting and totally out of the blue starts this story about how, once in the hospital, he had really bad gas, and then along came this nurse, and she had great cans, and she took this rubber hose and some vaseline...
i am leaving out the details, but you should have seen the look on my SILs faces!
[Updated on: Mon, 05 January 2004 15:18]
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #58649] |
Mon, 05 January 2004 19:46 |
Cymbeline
Messages: 562
Registered: October 2003
Location: Toronto |
Member |
|
|
Ooh.
When I moved in with Mr. Impeh, I, um, didn't tell any members of my ramrod conservative family (excepting my sis, but unlike the rest of the family, she doesn't take her behaviour tips from the 1952 edition of Post's Etiquette). The secret came out an uncomfortable six months later, because my grandparents came to visit, and, well, it wasn't going to be possibly to pretend anymore.
So the gossip spreads like goddamned wildfire through the tree of disapproving female relatives, and they tsk until their tongues fall out--saying nothing to me, of course, so I find out about all of this from my sister, who witnesses it at, of all things, a baby shower for my aunt. Not that I needed to be told that it was happening--I can just imagine the conversations and the identical cast-down-eyes-raised-eyebrows whispers that are just part of my family.
So anyway, no one says anything to me directly, even though I can feel the disapproval radiating like heat from an oven every time we speak. But because we prefer as a family to say mean things behind each other's backs rather than actually air our feelings, I feel fairly confident that I'm not going to have to deal with this openly. One of the benefits of an entire family that's passive-aggressive, I suppose.
At any rate, a few weeks later, my aunt finally reaches maximum outrage density, and decides to confront me about my flaunting of the rules of nice-girl behaviour. I check my email one morning, and find this (unfortunately, I don't have the original anymore, so this is the gist of it):
| Quote: |
Dear Impeh,
I'm writing to express my concern over a choice that you made. Please don't think that I'm judging you, but as your godmother, I feel that it's my responsibility to tell you how I feel about your decision to live in Las Vegas (that's what my friend and I say about it--you know, because it's the Sin City!).
Blah blah blah etc.
|
I nearly choked--first with outrage, and then with laughter. Welcome to the Sin City, population: me.
[Updated on: Mon, 05 January 2004 19:50]
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #58734] |
Tue, 06 January 2004 01:53 |
LA Girl
Messages: 1268
Registered: June 2003
|
Member |
|
|
Ooo-I have one!
A couple of days after our wedding invitations were mailed out, I was at work and ran into a friend/colleague that we had invited. She said "Oh! I got your invitation! It's just beautiful!" I said thank you and was about to walk away when she then said, "But what an AWFUL last name your FH's family has. You're not taking that are you?"
(i was indeed planning on taking the new last name.)
I said, "yes, actually, I am planning on taking the name, and I don't think it's all that bad." I thought the friend would apologize and feel a bit embarrassed after that...but NO! She continued on, saying " are you SURE? do you HAVE to take his name? It's SO bad!"
Needless to say I wasn't crushed when she couldn't make it to the wedding...
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59178] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 02:27 |
KatzenDame
Messages: 809
Registered: August 2003
|
Member |
|
|
|
No Message Body
[Updated on: Mon, 05 April 2004 11:16]
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59241] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 10:41 |
lawn phoenicopterus
Messages: 1534
Registered: October 2003
Location: OR |
Member |
|
|
|
No Message Body
[Updated on: Tue, 27 March 2007 14:53]
If 'elitist' just means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I'll be an elitist!
--Get Your War On
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59262] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 11:26 |
angela
Messages: 197
Registered: June 2003
|
Member |
|
|
|
When my ex-husband and I got married, my mom (sitting in the back seat of the car on the way home from the church) said to my then 9-year old sister loudly, "What do we do if [Asshat] beats Sissy and she has to come running back home? I don't think I could handle that." No one knew what to say or do. Good thing it was a short drive home.
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59271] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 11:51 |
mantis
Messages: 2016
Registered: July 2003
Location: SF Bay Area |
Member |
|
|
My bf's friend Bob is a very unique person. Because of all the drama and issues associated with said friend, I've taken to calling him Crazy Bob (to differentiate him from Uncle Bob and Friend Bob). My entire family refers to this Bob as Crazy Bob. One day, my mom was talking to my bf and she asked how Crazy Bob was doing. I just wanted to melt into the floor.
Since my bf wants Bob at the wedding, I now have to worry about my parents calling him Crazy Bob to his face. Oops.
Subvert the dominant paradigm. Play accordion.
|
|
| | | |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59481] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 16:19 |
petoonie
Messages: 617
Registered: June 2003
Location: usa |
Member |
|
|
i had my mom's hairdresser come and do everyone's hair for our wedding. i have two sisters-in-law. my brother's wife was not in the wedding party, but she and my brother basically ran the wedding the day-of. since she was wearing an elegant suit, not a formal bmaid dress, she opted to just have the hairdresser control her curly hair into a smooth down-do.
other sister in law (husband's sister), who was a bridesmaid and a nightmare in so many ways, happens across my brother's wife as she's emerging from the bedroom in her pretty suit, hair all done, ready to go deal with the rest of the unruly in-laws for me, and husband's sister says 'oh, aren't you going to have your hair done?'.
i just heard this story over christmas (1+ years after wedding).
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59541] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 17:37 |
|
Well ya know lynn, pesto's pretty damn freaky. ;)
Edited to add: This is Canoli. And I apparently cannot use a computer.
[Updated on: Wed, 07 January 2004 17:38]
|
|
|
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59550] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 18:00 |
lake
Messages: 1330
Registered: January 2004
|
Member |
|
|
What a great topic! I've got two, unfortunately.
First, the boy and I are having brunch with a girl I go to school with and her husband and she asks to see my engagement ring. She smiles and says, "Oh, it's...nice. I guess when B. is a lawyer you can add on to it, right?" I didn't know what to say. I'm pretty sure I said nothing.
The second one was when we went out to dinner with B's dad and his girlfriend and she was talking away about life, oh yes, and says, "High school, college, Europe, the starter marriage...no offense!" Then she laughs in a fake tinkly way.
Dottie
|
|
| |
| Re: She Said WHAT? One-liner horrors [message #59632] |
Wed, 07 January 2004 22:38 |
not_amused
Messages: 2410
Registered: October 2003
|
Member |
|
|
I did one this morning. 
I was at a class this morning with a co-worker "Anne", updating our accredidation (sp?), and another co-worker "Sue" who had carpooled with Anne. They know I'm getting married and asked how the planning is going. I said it's going well, I'm ready to be married, and we all laughed, moved on. Sue tells me, well Anne is starting a new beginning too! And I was confused, asked Anne (who was blushing) and Anne says "my divorce was finalized yesterday."
I said "How nice." HOW NICE? WTF? I quickly added that it's better that it's not being dragged out longer, that the issue is settled so she can have closure, but I couldn't get that foot out of my mouth. How nice indeed.
|
|
| | | | | |
Goto Forum:
Current Time: Tue Feb 9 07:45:50 CST 2010
Total time taken to generate the page: 2.44310 seconds |
Members
Search
FAQ
Register
Login
Home
E-mail to friend 
