| Name change and future children [message #864118] |
Wed, 04 June 2008 15:52  |
 sarahbigmac
Messages: 19
Registered: August 2007
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Hi Ladies. Man I love you all, this board is such a sanity saver for me. So here's my current wondering about name changing. I always thought I'd be super gung ho to change my name, because I like the idea of having the same last name as my future children and my FH. I like the idea of being a Mrs. But now that I am 3 months away from the wedding I am hesitant. Both me and FH come from divorced families so our mom's haven't had our last names since we were little. So I won't feel like less of a mother if I have a different last name than my kids. But both of us are very excited about being a family, which would lend itself to me changing my name. But I love my last name, its unique and having a plain first name, I've always loved my very Irish unique last name. Can you see the back and forth currently being waged in my head! FH says its my decision and I will take some time after the wedding to decide but i wanted to know how other IB's have dealt with this dilemma.
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #864133] |
Wed, 04 June 2008 16:15  |
Diotima
Messages: 177
Registered: June 2008
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Well, although I've never been hesitant about changing my name, I am attached to my last name, so I'm moving it to middle name position and am dropping my current middle. If you're sure you want to change altogether, that's an option (if it's not already what you've decided.) Also, depending on what your last name is, you could give a child that as a first name. I would love to do this if my last name weren't a really weird first name.
Another option is seeing if FI is willing to change to your last name. A lot of men seem to be reluctant to do this, but if you're really attached to your name you could ask him. One of the most awesome things my FI has done was offer to change his name to mine if I didn't want to change mine--and he is a very traditional guy, so if he's willing to put aside his stupid male pride for the sake of family unity, any guy should be able to.
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #864193] |
Wed, 04 June 2008 18:21 |
statsgirl08
Messages: 19
Registered: September 2007
Location: Zürich, Switzerland |
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Just wanted to put in my two sense and say that I don't think having a different name from your husband or potential kids makes you any less of a family. To be honest, I've pretty much never wanted to change my name. However, since we're not the same nationality and who knows where our kids will be born, it might be easier if we all had the same last name. On the other hand, I can't imagine it will be that big of a deal. We will be a family b/c of our actions, not because we have the same last name. Anyways, I would say, change your name if YOU want to.
August 31, 2008
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #864204] |
Wed, 04 June 2008 18:48 |
Me
Messages: 1392
Registered: August 2006
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| Quote: |
However, since we're not the same nationality and who knows where our kids will be born, it might be easier if we all had the same last name.
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Only if you go somewhere where that is the norm. Otherwise it could confuse the hell out of people.
If you go somewhere where you can speak the language passably, you should be able to say 'That's the way it's often done in _____'.
<---- just saying, in a friendly way. 
<---- got married in a country where different names are actually illegal, and still had no problems, using our unique 'crazy foreigner' status.
[Updated on: Wed, 04 June 2008 18:50]
Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table!
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #865332] |
Sat, 07 June 2008 14:40 |
Flamekat
Messages: 1769
Registered: February 2008
Location: Shanghai |
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| Wonderful Me! wrote on Wed, 04 June 2008 18:48 |
<---- got married in a country where different names are actually illegal, and still had no problems, using our unique 'crazy foreigner' status.
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Wonderful Me! - What country would that be?
I took great pleasure in telling my British boss one day that I kept my name because "that's what people from my culture do". (My culture being American feminist.) 
sarahbigmac - Have you two discussed hyphenating or him taking your last name? The children can have any surname....
"I'm going to go eat some blatantly copied steampunk cake." ~ grandsophy
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #865355] |
Sat, 07 June 2008 16:08 |
Me
Messages: 1392
Registered: August 2006
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I took great pleasure in telling my British boss one day that I kept my name because "that's what people from my culture do". (My culture being American feminist.)
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Ha! Yes, your boss is talking out of his arse if he's trying to say it's not done in the UK.
I've done the same. Actually, I kind of wish I'd done that with some family members. Especially with one bank manager.
'You're not changing? Really? Are you sure? Not at all?'
'No. No. No. No. Do you want my custom or not, you knobend?' (Ok, that last part was only in my imagination.)
'Is that what they do over there?'
'Many do, yes. It's kind of the same way it is here, actually.' (Idiot.)
[Updated on: Fri, 20 June 2008 11:40]
Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table!
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #865654] |
Mon, 09 June 2008 00:37 |
dart
Messages: 19
Registered: May 2008
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My thing with name change and future children is... I would keep my last name, but I don't want my FC to have the last name of FH and my own last name would be some kind of holdout. Of course, the kids could have my name, but that's hardly fair to him. It seems vaguely insulting to keep your original name at work and use your husband's name to talk to your kids' school, as many women I work with do. So, we should all have the same name. Hyphenating seems like a cop-out... what are the kids going to do when they get married? I would feel funny passing the mom's-name-or-dad's-name decision on to my kids. Combining the two names into a new, hybrid name is a possibility. Other than that, the most obvious solution seems to be to just pick a name.
I'm still not totally 100% on what I'm doing myself in a couple of months when I get married, but I did wonder... what would I do if I were marrying a woman? We would pick whichever name worked better for both of us and just go with that. In my case, that's his name. That's not very convenient for me, as I'll probably be looked down on at work etc. for taking his name, but I'm getting to the point where... who cares?
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #865732] |
Mon, 09 June 2008 11:03 |
Me
Messages: 1392
Registered: August 2006
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Of course, the kids could have my name, but that's hardly fair to him.
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Yes, I've always felt that naming a child after only one parent is somewhat unfair. Hence the hyphenation solution. 'When' they get married (if they can, since they may of course be in same-sex relationships) they will have to come up with their own solution, just like their parents did.
Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table!
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #866517] |
Wed, 11 June 2008 07:26 |
Sunflower
Messages: 885
Registered: November 2007
Location: UK |
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Double-barrelling was out for us - both our names are two weird and just don't work together - but I don't think that "what will our children do" is a good reason to discount it. After all, most of us have single-barrelled names and we're still having to make difficult decisions about our names, so it's not like they'll be the only ones.
So, the options are:
a)You keep your name, he keeps his and the children have his name.
b)You keep your name, he keeps his and the children have your name.
c)You keep your name, he takes your name and the children have that name.
d)He keeps his name, you take his name and the children have that name.
e)You create a new last name for all of you.
f)You double-barrel, he doesn't, and the children have his name.
g)You double-barrel, he doesn't, and the children have the double-barrelled name.
h)He double-barrels, you don't, and the children have your name.
i)He double-barrels, you don't, and the children have the double-barrelled name.
f)You both double-barrel,and the children have that name.
All those options are equally valid and deserve equal consideration without worrying about what is "traditionally" done. When we talked about it, we considered aesthetics, convenience, family connections, emotions but not tradition. In the end, we went for (c) because that made the most sense for us.
I have fought a hundred and seventy seven men. Only one survived, and he has no legs.
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #866939] |
Wed, 11 June 2008 23:02 |
Wasabi
Messages: 695
Registered: April 2004
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You said:
Of course, the kids could have my name, but that's hardly fair to him.
What about you and what you want? How would the kids having his last name be fair to you?
There really isn't a "one size fits all" naming solution for any couple - I like Sunflower's method: put all options on the table and talk'em over as a couple until you find the best solution for your family.
Oh, and as a hyphenated kid who just created a new hyphenated family name with my husband (half of my last name with my husband's last name), I don't think it's a cop-out to pass the name question on to the kids at all. They'll figure it out!
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #875565] |
Thu, 03 July 2008 20:07 |
cozyoak
Messages: 17
Registered: February 2008
Location: Oakland, CA |
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Flamekat, when people ask me what culture I'm from I am from this moment and forever going to say "American feminist."
Thank you.
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #885052] |
Sun, 27 July 2008 14:16 |
gracey
Messages: 366
Registered: February 2008
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deleted for privacy reasons
[Updated on: Sun, 03 August 2008 15:30]
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| Re: Name change and future children [message #885630] |
Tue, 29 July 2008 02:59 |
dawndusk
Messages: 34
Registered: April 2008
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My mom and dad both kept their last names. The kids (me too) have a hyphenated last name that combines both of their's as in Dawn-Dusk. Except that the name is very long. I love it because it is unique and there are no other people in the world with this name.
I always wonder why women are so willing to give their children the father's name. With the divorce rate being so high, the kids and mom could easily end up with a different last name.
Why is it a compromise on his part for the name to be hyphenated and not a compromise on your part. Aren't you compromising too by allowing your kids to have his name as part of their name. (Why do women only see this as a compromise on the man's side.)
Why don't you let him choose if it should be the first or last part of the hyphenated. His parents will get over it, and his kids will still have his last name as part of their name.
I think this is totally separate than the discussion about where you should live.
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